somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
