I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
