The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
