First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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