As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
