it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
