You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
