I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Randomize
