Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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