I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
