i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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