I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
