I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i permit you to call me
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Congratulations! We have a period
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