don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
