I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
