I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
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Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
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Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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