Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
