if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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