I'm gonna have a badass scar
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
