Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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