yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
