two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
