Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
