where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
