I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
