I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
