i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
