So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
