I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
