If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
