I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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