Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
