I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
