Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
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