I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
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I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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