Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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