Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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