remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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