So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
