What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
The convent might be a nice break from real life
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
