my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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