my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
this will be a night to untag.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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