my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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