i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
