I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
