you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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