are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
