He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
