I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
