I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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