you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
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Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
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He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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