My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
