Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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