I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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