I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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