He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
