So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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