you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
