you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
