omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
