Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
