i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
